I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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