Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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