Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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