drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
