you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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