Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to calm my uterus...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
try to milk me bitch
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