im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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