It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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