She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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