i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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