Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
