shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
