i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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