i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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