You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
