two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
