we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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