I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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