Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
