4 words: hood of his car
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
