Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
