he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
