dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
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i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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