I love having hate sex.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
