Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
