I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
