When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
