I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
