Can Purell be used as lube?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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