Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
