I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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