His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
