I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
