Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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