He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
vagina is talking i cant
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
