Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
