what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
