Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
