2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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