I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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