Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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