Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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