He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
