I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
