I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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