Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
