You don't have asthma, your pregnant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
