I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
