I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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