You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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