I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
