Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I need moral support for this bender
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
