How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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