I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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