took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
